A rather pleasant surprise came my way recently. It seems I have a ‘fan’ – not the kind that rotates at different speeds on our ceilings but the kind which rotates at different intensities very much around our bodies and minds, our hearts and heads. Someone remarked that the fan I have is the good kind, not the bad. That itself for me was interesting for I had no idea there were sub-categories involved, types and kinds and degrees.
The fact of the matter is that I’m not quite knowledgeable or instinctive about how to deal with such admiration or fondness. Cynical to boot about human emotions and their predictable vacillations, I was quite certain of an inevitable un-fanning that was to take place soon enough, for is it not true, that the closer we get to our object of adulation, the more we take our own objectives for granted? Besides, what is it that I had done to make one feel that awe in the first place? I couldn’t think of a thing. And whatever has been done or achieved has been a work of Grace, that is, the good fortune of being present and available when the Gods took the roll-call. In other words, I dismissed this fan-ship which had come my way with no more thought.
But that jarred me some. I felt it needed more respect than I had shown. To understand what it means to be a fan, I had to somehow find a way of identifying with the sentiment behind it. I thought long and hard if I had been a fan of anyone in my life. Few were those who left an impression, some who may be fondly remembered but none to whom I could confidently ascribe this exalted position. And then it struck me. Of course I was a fan. In fact, I am a die-hard fan, the good type, the very best. I have obsessed, chased, hunted high and low for the One I have loved and admired and been in awe of ever since I can remember. To be a fan of the Supreme is also an act of Grace. And it is so very true that many a time I have moved out of the shadows and into the Light, closer to my object of affection, only to slip into sudden amnesia, distracted or blinded by the Blaze or simply basking in a Glow not mine – whatever be the case, and human that I am with emotions that vacillate, I would take the God-touch for granted and recede once more into the shadows. But despite that, I know that I will forever continue to be a fan. No matter what the circumstance, un-fanning is not an option. So however cynical I may be of others, whatever inhibitions I may have of being in someone’s spotlight, the one thing I cannot possibly do any longer is question the ‘integrity of fan-ship’ because that is sacred ground, only to be tread on with gratitude.
